I must be too annoying 4 u.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
