i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
