We won't sleep together?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
