I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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