im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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