tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
