my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize