I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
