thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
