Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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