Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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