Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
