We're facebook friends in real life
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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