Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
