I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
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