Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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