ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
