Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
