Ambien. No doubt about it.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
