Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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