There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
