We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
