he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
