I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
