you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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