the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I love having hate sex.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
