i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
