it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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