Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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