you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
