70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
