Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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