This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
