Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
