I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
