i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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