how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
