is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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