Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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