just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
