I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
