I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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