She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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