Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
