that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
