It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
