My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
