I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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