It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
