I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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