I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
