You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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