I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
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