you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
