i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
