I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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