I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
