God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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