Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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