from now on my penis is your penis
i may or may not be watching the land before time
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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