So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
